but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
