he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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