i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
