Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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