dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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