omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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