idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
