The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
