i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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