I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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