My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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