Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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