I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
