my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
