If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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