Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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