Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize