just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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