96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
