I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
