shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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