thus making me awesome and them whores
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
