The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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