We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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