I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize