Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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