When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
