im about as happy as oj after his trial
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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