i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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