Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize