I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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