I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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