i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You pole danced in your parka.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
