so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
