A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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