1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
