I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Operation Purity has been aborted
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
