Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
