Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
