I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
