this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
