dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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