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So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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