So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
