Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Im part way to drunk.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
