I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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