one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
