so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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