i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
