Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
