Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
