I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
