even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
