I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
