There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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