that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
