I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
