her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
there is glitter all over my balls
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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