i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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