Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
