dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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