He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
