so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize