I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
