I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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