I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
