You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
