it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
