You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Two words: nipple clamps
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