Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize