Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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