when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize