My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
