yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
