This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
