you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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