Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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